False Awakenings...

I consider myself a psychonaut of sorts but I haven't had much experience with entheogens beyond one low dosage psilocybin experience in the island of Bali and one Salvia extract experience which I really doubt was Salvia at all and both ended up as really really bad trips (not that I didn't learn anything)... and of course you can't count Marijuana as an entheogen so lets just forget about that. 

First let me explain my reasons for why I seek an inner experience of sorts :

There are two basic motives to my psychonautic adventures : Curiosity and Guidance

Guidance for what? well, if you have followed my posts, you probably have observed my neurotic and anxious behavior reflected in my words maybe mixed with some mind fuck or smart humor. So yes I admit I am sick and I seek healing... I HAVE NOT tried anything. I am too lazy to go to the gym... I may go one of these days but I have done experiments with swimming for months and haven't got much results so I just reject the idea that my mental anguish is caused by my lack of physical activity. 

I believe I am hereditary and evolutionary exposed to Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Mood Swings.. and frankly it feels like shit. I don't think any part of my creativity or love for nature or ... etc springs out of these psychotic behaviors. I am willing to heal and have taken meds... still am taking and experimenting to find the right ones but as a very ambitious person that I am, I can't stop seeking so what I have access to right now is dreams. 

Have you ever noticed we trip (maybe not godhead but a trip is a trip) each time we're dreaming through the night? So we almost trip all our life without using it as a tool to guide us into higher states of consciousness or simply a better mood... (entering into blissful heavens, meeting inner guides) 

Now that I have explained my reasons and motivation for my psychonautic adventures, particularly lucid dreaming. Let's get in more details :

I have a very specific intent in my attempts to become lucid : getting inner guidance for my daily activities that can lead me out of this hell and into a blissful, calm state... or at least ordinary. I have this problem with authority and if in a dream there is this guy coming to me saying : Talk less, Question more. based on the feeling that he gives me I know where it is originated from and I will act on it if it feels right but religions, spirituality (specifically new age spirituality) and the people that follow those kind of practices couldn't helo me much so I trust my inner more than my outer. I had a bunch of lucid dreaming experiences and one of them was really beautiful but lately with my constant struggle and the inner transformation that I am going through... the dreams are not helping me much. But that doesn't mean I give up on this path. (read the lyrics of the patience by Tool).

Ok, now that you read all through the way to here, I wanna write about my false awakening (type 2) experience last night. Recently (after a few pushes by Mckenna and Neurosoup) I decided to start the lucid dreaming practices again and do it in my own way (Psychological Reinforcement Using Language as the main tool during the day)... I just keep repeating and ensuring myself that I am going to have become lucid tonight... Also recently I've been out of my anxiety meds so I had no choice to take 2 mg of xanax (the worst decision of my life based on past experiences). why? because it makes me fuckin nutz for days afterward... and duo to my tolerance it doesn't do shit for me so you get the idea. After taking the xanax, suddenly for some reason (captain obvious) I felt sleepy and just fell sleep.

Now we get to what the title is about : The Tainted False Awakenings

I awoke, my mom was by my bed (I live alone), didn't notice anything special, she just pointed at the door gently and I got freaked out (there was a robbery attempt recently at my place which ended up as a panic attack), got out of bed and everything was so real, I even felt the after effects of xanax (the dizziness) so it was so ensuring that I wasn't dreaming... walked out of my room and shockingly noticed a guy fixing stuff in my place... me confused and angry as fuck asked him what the hell is he doing? and he was shocked too because he thought the house was empty and in a state of repair (by the way my place is a total mess so no doubt I would unconsciously project that into my dreams)... now what was so scary was that I never had such a vivid dream... totally normal state... five senses working good and felt like I always feel like after waking up (with the addition of xanax). now multiply this dream in 5/6 and you get how freaked out I was. awaking again and again finding myself in my room totally normal but the guy fixing my stuff even building new stuff so I freaked out and suddenly thought to my self : Man, this must be a dream. this shit doesn't make sense, looked at my hands (reality check) nothing extraordinary... everything was so real and I didn't remember any other reality check technics so I totally freaked out... but was mildly lucid, understood that I was dreaming but panicked that I would never wake up from this loop hole of false awakenings.

I got up finally and was assured that I wasn't dreaming anymore (who knows!? maybe I am). totally freaked out took some orange juice to get the xanax out of my system, got a rage attack, called my parents and intellectually fucked them in each and every hole... did my daily disturbing post. And started to come down... my dad is coming back to bring my meds so I'm not worried that much but that's it with xanax. Considering lucid dreaming, I'm gonna continue my path... And I'm gonna get I what I want. DO NOT DOUBT ONE WORD...


BLISS is awaiting me... 

OSHO is awaiting me on the other side...